LOCAL

OUT from page 17.

darkened turn-offs reinforced those old feelings of 'bad' and 'weird.'

I did hear the words Gay Liberation from a self-avowed Gay man I had sex with once. He had gotten married in the middle of an identity crisis and was looking towards me for direction. I was inspired to tell my best friend about my mysterious disappearances and strange attitudes about not verbally sexualizing women. Someone eavesdropping on us spread the news to many of our mutual friends. Some were curious and vaguely supportive. Some were vocally vicious and abusive.

I fell in with a commune of Gay men. I had met some of them hitching and got busy getting socially and sexually acquainted with the rest. They started introducing me to afterhours clubs and a cruisy beach area, Land's End, in San Francisco to keep me away from their boyfiends.

Instead of following through and moving to San Francisco I went away at age 20 to junior college in Weed, California (pop. 3,000). Every other weekend I would hitch 600 miles to spend a Saturday night at a Gay bar, the Stud, that wouldn't card me. Everyone I knew in Weed eventually pieced together my sexuality with mixed reactions. After all, people (myself included) used to delight in verbally savaging the local Black transvestite. When I first was made aware of this man I wanted to fit in and insulted him, too. Drunkenly hanging out in truck-stops and waiting areas all hours of the night, and trying to seduce hitchers stuck overnight on freeway on-ramps was lonely.

I ended up fleeing Weed afraid of being arrested on drug-related charges and moved in on one of my week-end fuck-buddies in San Francisco. I submerged myself in sex, men, alcohol, bars, and drugs.

It could be argued, since I openly walked around the Gay ghetto holding hands with

BRIGADE from page 1

Slye concluded "Food is certainly a very basic need for many, both in our community and in the heterosexual community as well. We enter the food marketplace and say, 'but our clients are dying,' the same can be said of the other food delivery agencies."

The Chicken Soup Brigade has merged their food efforts with the Capitol Hill Home Delivery Service, John Froid, Director. The Service is a Food Bank that offers food care service to the elderly and other home bound clients.

The need for food is critical, particularly, it seems, as the Holidays approach, and SGN is proud to co-sponsor a Community Food

men, qualified me as being 'out.' Yet what about facing myself in an open, honest way as to who I was becoming as a person? 'Bad' and 'weird' were still locked way down inside. Drug-induced behavior augmented a downward spiral of approaching full-blown self-hate. My newly peripheral involvement in unhealthy (for me) aspects of S & M didn't improve my self-image either. Thoughts of seeking professional help were rejected for fear of being locked-up as insane. I had such strange ideas in my mind. The conditions and attitudes that brought me to this point remained stacked up and building.

and aunt even offered to have a same-sex wedding for me and my (then) current boyfriend.

Some inroads were made in my drinking years but my alcoholism and poor selfesteem kept feeding off each other. An exlover brought me to Seattle kicking and screaming. There was nothing left for me in California. We fought and got ugly. We dragged breaking up over a year's period of time. He got so outraged by the unhealthy aspects of our relationship (including murder and suicide threats on both sides) he converted back to his childhood religion by becoming a

Whenever I crossed a bridge out of San Francisco, a double standard went into effect. I remained closed off to friends and family in my heterophobia. My visits would include exposing people to episodes of drag queens on Monty Python's Flying Circus, Mary Hartman, and bringing along current boyfriends. When asked what was going on with me I would only reply, "The same old stuff." Drinking and parties I would share about, but I would be totally evasive about the other major motivating force in my life: my sexuality.

My biggest regret when my mom died was the total lack of communication we had the last few years because I wouldn't open up and trust her to love me and accept me for myself. With this realization I did open myself up to my brothers and sisters. They have been wonderful in their support of me. My sister

Jehovah's Witness (officially forbidden to socialize with Gays). At least he stopped his drinking and drugging. I followed in getting clean and sober a year later. I was so tired of turning men down sexually because I would anticipate passing out or pissing on them. My reputation in Seattle bar-society was a total joke. I finally gave up on the idea some person, place, or thing would be along to fix me.

I've been extremely fortunate in remaining sober these last 7 years. With sobriety has come a brand-new coming out process that involves my emotions, and a responsibility to explore more than just sexual techniques. With the considerable help of the sober Gay/Lesbian community and the Seattle Counseling Service (with classes, men's groups, and one-to-ones) I've slowly been able to carve a niche for myself in Seattle's

"Being concerned about providing food is

Gay community. Fear is gradually being replaced with trust and involvement. I'm aware of people as being more than just sex objects. I don't need a man calling me names, spitting on me, pissing on me, slapping me, or offering to cut my face with a razor (so my outsides can match my insides) as I have believed in the past.

Today I believe I have qualities to offer in the way of friendship, and I am especially hopeful of finding a special friend. I want more intimacy in my life. Although I recently stopped seeing someone, I'm grateful for the time we shared together and that we parted amiably. I averaged 7 relationships in 7 years when I drank. Alcohol and drug-related behavior killed any chances of those relationships being successful.

I'm 'out' at both of my jobs and just fine (even if I do bitch a lot at work). The heterosexuals I work with are very supportive. Working for SGN has helped to open doors for me into a non-bar oriented community. I love the opportunity to lambast the homophobic elements of movies in my film reviews and encourage Gay supportive films. Who would have thought shy me could be so outspoken and vulnerable? The SGN got me to the Natonal March on Washington. My apathy has given way to some stabs at activism and increasing political awareness.

I'm still painfully shy at times and defensive about my social skills. I'm less than physically perfect (I'm overweight and out-ofshape) but I feel good about myself as a multifaceted person. I'm keeping my eyes open for a husband. Please feel free to write to me in care of SGN if you want further information.

I appreciate this chance to tell my story and to be able to come out in print. Hopefully someone will have an easier time with their sexuality or getting sober as a result of reading this. We aren't alone anymore and support is there for those willing, able, and/or driven to reach out. Today I'm honestly glad to be Gay.

Brigade provides. They have an excellent record of caring and sharing."

"Being concerned about providing food is

certainly an important part of what they do. To certainly an important part of what they do. someone who does not feel well, and has no money, a bag of food is damned important."

Drive. As Bakan said, "SGN has agreed to cosponsor, with Chicken Soup Bridage, a food drive for the holidays, because, as it turns out, providing a bag of food is one of the most important things to be done."

"We'll be putting barrels and boxes out in bars and at events. We are trying to get the cooperation of those community members giving Holiday parties, Halloween parties,

For the young at heart of all ages

Christmas parties, etc. They should have their guests bring donations for the food drive. Everyone has food they just don't use. This is the time to get rid of that can of corn that just gets pushed around in the food cupboard. I'm just very happy to help with this project."

"There is nothing more important than the direct services to PWAS that Chicken Soup

To someone who does not feel well, and has no money, a bag of food is damned important. There are probably those in our community who could make a special trip to the grocery store and pick-up that bag of food. If you don't know a place that will be collecting, bring the food to the SGN offices or to the R Place Bar, next door."

If there are those in the community who would be willing to assist SGN and Chicken Soup Brigade, with such details as placing barrels and boxes or picking up donations, such assistance would surely be appreciated. Just call SGN, 324-4297, and volunteer your services.

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Rent this Space Call SGN 324-4297 for details

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Seattle, WA 98105

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• Seattle Gay News

October 21, 1988

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